Now that I've gotten that last piece of information off my chest, I can tell you about the stupidest thing I've done in a long time, which happened just last night.

First, the backstory: about a month ago, I had purchased an Intermatic digital timer light switch at Home Depot, because I wanted the post light on our front lawn to turn on and off automatically. Surprisingly enough, I installed it with minimal trouble, ALL BY MYSELF, in about twenty minutes. All I had to do was shut off the breaker that controlled the light, undo the wiring to the original Decora switch, and then hook up and secure the new timer switch. It worked beautifully, and I was deliriously happy that I no longer had to bother with turning the outside light on and off every night.

(Sidenote: yes, I am a humungous GEEK. As I've noted here before, it's really the little things in life that make me giddy with glee.)

This accomplishment led me to believe that I could tackle any electrical conundrum with ease. So last week, I bought yet another digital timer switch for the light sconce just outside our garage door. There was just one minor (in my mind, anyway) difference: the double light switch that controlled both the inside and outside garage lights were simple flip switches, and the digital timer switch is only available in a wide Decora version.

No big deal, though. I just bought a plain Decora switch and faceplate in addition to the timer switch, figuring I could remove the flip switches and install the new Decora switches and faceplate. How hard could it be?

So after dinner last night, I decided to get my latest project underway. The Huz was due back from his long weekend golf vacation, and I wanted to surprise him when he got home. I opened the garage door to give me plenty of light to work by, then went to the basement, figured out which breaker controlled the garage lightswitch, and turned it off.

I came back to the garage, unscrewed the face plate of the existing switches, and assessed the situation. First of all, there was hardly any slack on any of the wires in the box. Also, I noticed a black wire running from the first switch's bottom terminal to the second switch's bottom terminal. Hmmm, how odd, I thought. Wonder what that is?

Nevertheless, I forged ahead. I carefully undid the wires for both flipswitches, and freed them from the electrical box. Then I began installing the regular Decora switch for the garage's interior light. I had to strip back a bit of both wires, but I didn't run into much trouble otherwise. I carefully pulled the new switch away from the exposed wires for the second switch, then ran back downstairs to flip the breaker back on. When I came upstairs, the interior garage light was working! I crowed victoriously and did a little impromptu happy dance. Actually, if you must know, I did the Cabbage Patch right there in my open garage, for all my neighbors to witness (none did).

From there, I went back downstairs and shut off the breaker again. Then I began installing the new timer switch. That was a real bitch, quite frankly. The wires were not cooperating and there was hardly any slack to work with, not to mention I nearly impaled my left hand with my needlenose pliers. Eventually, I did hook up the timer switch, tested it successfully, and again did my little Cabbage Patch while chanting, "I am woman, hear me roar!"

Humming happily, I carefully attached the new faceplate just as The Huz pulled up in the driveway. He came into the garage to see what I was up to, and I smugly informed him that I had done it AGAIN! He smiled and hugged me while congratulating me on a job well done. We then took his bags inside the house, and I heated up some dinner for him while he recapped his golf trip to Ocean City, MD for me.

About an hour passed, and I suddenly remembered that I hadn't shut the garage door after finishing my work. I practically skipped through the family room and stuck my hand out the screen door into the garage to press the "close" button on the wall unit.

Nothing.

I stepped out in the garage and pressed it again, several times, quickly.

Still nothing.

Panicked, I went out to the driveway and tried to close it using the battery-controlled keypad that I'd installed on the outer frame of the garage door earlier this year. The keypad lit up as I punched in the PIN, but the door didn't budge. In a perfect moment of irony, the new timer switch turned on the garage sconce light just as I hit "Enter" on the keypad, further illuminating the immobile garage door.

After about a half-hour's worth of cursing (mine) and interrogation (The Huz: "Are you SURE you hooked all the wires back up EXACTLY the way you found them?"), we gave up and called our electrician. How embarrassing. My chest, which had been puffed up with pride only a few hours before, was completely deflated in defeat. Except for my boobs. They were still jutting out there, proud as ever.

Luckily, The Huz was off from work today, and the electrician came out and fixed my boo-boo in about twenty minutes, to the tune of $125. Turns out the switch in the garage was a three-way, and not a single pole, as the first one I'd hooked up had been. Way too advanced for me.

Doh!

Labels: bitching, funny stuff, home improvement, marriage