In My Head


Friday, September 29, 2006
This sounds terribly cliche, I know, but for a couple days just before my period starts each month, I morph into a chocolate-craving madwoman. I almost don't recognize myself when I have these urges--it's like I'm a completely different person. And I've noticed that the cravings have become more pronounced as I age. Seriously. Any other time of the month, I could walk by stacks of chocolate (and most sweets, actually) and not even blink an eye. But around day 26 of my cycle, I find myself digging through my cabinets, desperately searching for even just a morsel of chocolately goodness.

Last month at that time, I discovered a box of Duncan Hines Chocolate Supreme brownie mix at the bottom of my pantry from 2004. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I tore that sucker open, dumped in a few eggs, some oil and water, and stirred like a maniac until that black gold concoction came together in my mixing bowl. I ate about eight heaping tablespoons of uncooked brownie mix, and dumped the rest right into the trash!

Well guess what, folks? Today is THAT day. And I was doing so well until about a few minutes ago! I had my cottage cheese/yogurt concoction for breakfast, a handful of shrimp cocktail for my snack at 10 a.m. (got some strange looks from coworkers but noshed away at my shrimp anyway--to hell with them!), and then enjoyed a toasted multigrain English muffin with some peanut butter at noon. Around 2 p.m., I started feeling those cravings. Initially I could refocus my mind on my work, but around 2:30 I was completely overcome with a dire need for chocolate. I felt I was gonna die if I didn't have that chocolate NOW, dammit!

First I scoured my desk. No luck. Then I canvassed my office, soliciting coworkers for their goodies. Usually they come through for me, but everyone came up empty-handed today. Boo. So I grabbed my wallet and went down to the first floor vending machine. Not a single chocolate item in there, people! I don't want no stinking Doritos! Yet there are about twelve different variations of the snack chip in that godforsaken machine. What has this world come to???

I knew then that I'd have to make a bold move...desperate times and all that jazz. With a look of steely determination firmly etched on my face, I announced to my coworkers that I was heading out across the parking lot to the other building in our office park, to check out the vending selection there. They smirked in response.

I wandered around the strange building across the way for almost ten minutes until I found the vending area. And I was victorious in my quest, my friends. That vending machine was a beautiful sight to behold--a veritable jackpot of chocolate goodness! I managed to practice some restraint and came away with just a lovely little Tastykake Chocolate Junior snackcake.

NOTE: if you don't know about Tastykakes, you have my deepest condolences. Yes, it's "Tastykake" with a "k." I wanted to post a photo here for you so that you could fully appreciate it, but Blogger is not letting me post photos at the moment. Fucking Blogger! Another post for another time.

I barely made it back to my desk before my feeding frenzy commenced. And now all is right with the world again. Sigh.

Can I get an "amen?"

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Posted by Lori at 9/29/2006 03:06:00 PM |
Thursday, September 28, 2006
I delivered a 20 minute 401(k) enrollment presentation to my company today at our staff meeting. This was a trial for me, because my boss wants me to start doing this for our clients, but I needed to prove that I would be proficient at it before he "lets me out into the wilderness," as he put it.

It may sound odd, but I was waaaay more anxious to present in front of my coworkers than I would be to present to a roomful of complete strangers. The fact is that the people at my company have about 150 years' combined experience in the retirement planning field, so I was more than a little intimidated to talk to them about something they already know so well. Conversely, I know that if I deliver the same presentation to a roomful of factory workers, secretaries, or hairdressers, I'm pretty much guaranteed to be the only one in the room who is well-versed on the subject of retirement investing.

Let me tell you, I've been practicing my ass off for the past two weeks and I have never been so glad for that fact as I was today. I don't think I've ever felt so panic-stricken in my life, but I did it! Granted, for about ten minutes just leading up to my piece, I was almost totally convinced I was going to have a major panic attack right then and there in our conference room. Either that, or I was going to get up in front of everyone, all eyes looking at me expectantly, and then completely forget every word of what I planned to say. Oh, yeah---they filmed me with a camcorder, too. And you know how much I love being on film, right? Ugh.

The good news is I didn't have a panic attack, though I had to really fight the urge to start hyperventilating just as I was asked to stand up at the front of the room. I also remembered all my lines. After numerous rehearsals, my mind was pretty much on auto-pilot today. I just opened my mouth and everything came out as planned. Everyone came up to me after the meeting and commented on how poised and well-prepared I was, which was lovely to hear, because I certainly didn't feel poised on the inside!!

The bad news is my boss planted some really hard, obscure questions with my coworkers for the Q&A session after my speech, which I didn't realize until after the meeting. They HAMMERED me with questions, some of which I truthfully had no answers to. But that's actually a good thing, because I learned how to handle not knowing the answers. It's not the end of the world if I don't know it all, and most audiences won't expect me to know it all. I simply said, "I don't know the answer to that, but I'll look into it and get right back to you, okay?"

I would even go so far as to say that I feel positively euphoric now that this "trial" is behind me. After my presentation, I met The Huz for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants to celebrate the fact that's it's OVER!

Also, I know he carries a can of deodorant in his gym bag, and believe me when I say I desperately needed a few quick sprays of that shit. Because today I had sweat dripping out of places on my body that I didn't even realize COULD sweat!

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Posted by Lori at 9/28/2006 02:35:00 PM |
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Just to continue the fun with the Beyonce video parodies, I present to you

RING THE ALARM

This one's pretty funny, but I still think the parody of Deja Vu was better, even though it was way lower budget.

Here's the original of Ring the Alarm.

I'm easily amused, no?

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Posted by Lori at 9/27/2006 10:36:00 PM |
Imagine being presented with a variety of strange-looking kitchen instruments, the purpose of which you have absolutely no idea, then having to choose one and speak about it for two minutes without stopping.

That is one of the exercises I performed last night at my second public speaking class. It was hilarious!

I picked an instrument that resembled one of these:



and I guess I had a bit of an unfair advantage, because I actually knew what it was. Still, I talked about it for the requisite time period, including how to use it and exactly how and why I knew what it was.

Does anyone want to take a guess at what it is?

We also had to give one short speech about our first cars and another speech describing any kind of dessert we've ever made.

This class is the most fun I've had in a long time. Yes, I suppose that makes me a loser.

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Posted by Lori at 9/27/2006 03:54:00 PM |
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Is it in bad blogger form if I deman...ahem, politely request to know more about my readers in Sunnyvale and Pleasanton, California?

I'm just dying of curiosity over here. Other than suburban mom from San Fran, I didn't think I had any West Coast readers.

Reveal yourselves!

Ummmm....pretty please?

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Posted by Lori at 9/26/2006 01:41:00 PM |
Friday, September 22, 2006
So I went to a registered dietician last night. My hairdresser Trisha has been seeing her for about six months and has lost twenty-five pounds. Trisha has had nothing but praise for the R.D., so I decided to make an appointment.

Here's what I learned:

I'm not eating frequently enough. That surprised me. I'm not much of a snacker, so I tend to have three large meals a day and nothing in between. Apparently, this M.O. wreaks havoc with my blood sugar. The R.D., whose name is Adrianne, compared it to doing paperwork for my job. She said that if my boss came by my desk, dumped a three-foot high stack of paperwork on it, and told me to get as much of it done as possible, I would only be able to do so much of it before the end of the day, and would have to set the rest of it aside for later. That's what happens when you eat too much food at any given meal: your body uses only as much energy from it (calories) as it needs, then stores the rest of it as fat for later, in case you don't eat again.

Adrianne then told me to imagine my boss instead giving me smaller assignments every two or three hours...I'd get it all done before the next task. And so it is with your body. If you eat smaller meals more frequently, your body continuously uses the energy you're giving it every couple of hours. She told me that you can actually train (or retrain, as the case may be) your metabolism to be more effective by doing this.

Here are the rules for the next two weeks:

- My magic number is three. I must eat every three hours from the time I wake up until two or three hours before bedtime. Each meal must be about the size of my two fists, approximately. The deal is, if I'm eating this often, I won't be as hungry, so I won't feel the need to consume as much food. Even if I do not feel particularly hungry, I must eat every three hours. This will stabilize my blood sugar and correct my metabolic rate.

- I am currently not eating enough protein. So I need to make sure that every meal I eat contains a form of protein and a form of carbohydrate. The catch is that the carbohydrates I consume must have at least 3 grams of fiber. My goal is to consume 20 grams or more of fiber per day. No white breads or white-flour pasta or white rice or white crackers. This will be VERY hard for me, as I just adore simple carbs. Sigh.

- I hate water. Hate it. I've tried every trick in the book to make it more appealing (adding lemon, trying that fruit-flavored water) with no success. Instead, I drink about a half-gallon of diet iced tea per day. I was all proud of myself because it took a long time for me to kick my two-can a day Pepsi habit, and I somehow managed to do it. Granted, I still treat myself occasionally to Pepsi a few times a month, but overall I have drastically reduced my soda consumption. However, that is NOT enough, Adrianne told me. So now, for every two cups of diet iced tea I drink, I must drink one glass of water. This will also be hard, but doable, I think.

- I walk almost three miles daily, but my body has become accustomed to it. As Adrianne told me last night, if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten. So I have to incorporate two high-intensity interval sessions per week, which will also rev up the old metabolism. Each session lasts only twenty minutes, so that's definitely doable. I need to buy a heart rate monitor to do the interval sessions. More about this later...

Our appointment wasn't all doom and gloom. Fortunately, I am a picky eater and don't like many "bad" foods (mayo, most fast food, most junk food, most sweets) so that works in my favor. She told me that my portion sizes have been sensible and praised me for my consistent walking habit. I just need to kick it up another notch and make a few changes.

I'm meeting her again in two weeks and have to track my daily food intake and exercise for that period. Wish me luck! I may have to hold some kind of formal white-flour purging ceremony tonight in my pantry...

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Posted by Lori at 9/22/2006 09:35:00 AM |
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Remember my post a while back about Toastmasters? I thought about dropping in on a meeting of my local chapter to check it out, but had been putting it off for several weeks now.

Well, fate stepped in and intervened yesterday morning. I happened across a brochure for adult education classes at the local high school, and noticed that one of the offerings was a ten-week class called "Public Speaking with Confidence," sponsored by another local chapter of Toastmasters! Kismet, I decided. So I enrolled and last night was my first class.

It was really fun! Initially, there were four of us in class: a born-again Christian couple in their 60s who have been married for forty-two years, a married-with-kids guy in his early forties who works for Lockheed Martin, and me. There were also four members of the Chester County Toastmasters who will be taking turns facilitating each class. About an hour into the class, each of us partnered with one of the Toastmasters and were interviewing each other in preparation to speak about our partners. Suddenly, the fifth member of the class walked in, a little out of breath.

The jaws of the four females in the room, including mine, dropped to the floor. He was fricking GORGEOUS! Like Abercrombie-male-model gorgeous.

You know what happened next, right? Grinning stupidly, my female Toastmasters counterpart stood up and told him to be my partner. I could hardly make eye contact with the guy, he was THAT good-looking. Not to mention he's apparently a rocket scientist. Since I interviewed him for the first speech, I learned the following facts about him: He is 31 years old, married for almost five years with no kids. He graduated from Drexel with a mechanical engineering degree, but works as an area manager for Enterprise Rent-a-Car, supervising 30 employees. He's very athletic. Oh, yeah--his dad was a professional soccer player.

Anyhoo, getting back to the class itself, I had the opportunity to speak three times already last night. The last occasion was for something that the Toastmasters refer to as a "table topic." Basically, the facilitator gives the general topic, but each person does not know exactly what they are going to talk about until right before they speak. It's an exercise in improvisation. The other goal is to reduce or eliminate the use of speech fillers such as "um" or "uh" or "like." Don't laugh--it's much harder than you'd think. We rely so much on those fillers that most of us don't even realize when we say them.

The facilitator announced that last night's table topic was "color." She then asked me to speak about the color blue. Somehow, I managed to riff about blue for almost two minutes, with a minimal use of fillers--don't ask how. I was scared to death but plowed through it.

Should be an interesting nine weeks...

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Posted by Lori at 9/20/2006 09:52:00 AM |
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Did that get your attention?



I recently read a very interesting excerpt from this book.

The author suggests that the very qualities most of us seek out in long-term relationships--stability, equality, constant togetherness--are also responsible for the death of passion and sexual excitement in those same relationships. Further, it is unrealistic for us to expect that one person should or will meet all of our emotional needs. She encourages more autonomy in daily life, exploration/exploitation of power and control in the bedroom, and letting go of shame and fear associated with sex.

Thoughts?

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Posted by Lori at 9/19/2006 09:44:00 AM |
Monday, September 11, 2006
I'll admit it: I was a few minutes late to work that morning. Walking across the parking lot to my office building, I stared up at the sky, which was bright blue, cloudless and still. It was a perfect late summer day. I wished I'd called out sick that day. It was just too beautiful to be cooped up inside.

I entered one of the elevators with another woman who had a cell phone wedged between her ear and her shoulder. She was listening intently to whomever was on the other end of the line, occasionally inserting a gasp or a murmured "Oh my god." I rolled my eyes.

I had just sat down at my desk and taken my telephone off the auto-answer setting when it rang. The caller ID displayed my parents' phone number.

"Lori? Are you at work? Have you turned on the television?" My mother was so breathless I could hardly understand her.

I responded, "Of course I'm at work--you just called me here! Slow down. What are you talking about?"

"A plane hit the World Trade Center...I'm watching it now on Good Morning America...oh my god, it's terrible!" she babbled. I assumed she meant a small prop plane. Hmmm. There must have been some kind of awful accident, which was a shame...but hey, life goes on.

She kept me on the phone for over ten minutes, giving me a play-by-play of what was happening. I kept trying to log on to MSNBC or CNN to see it for myself, but those sites were totally locked up.

Finally, around 9 a.m., I told her that I'd call her back in a minute. Our friend Phil lived and worked in Manhattan, and I figured I'd call him to see what was up. But before I had a chance to even dial his number, I heard a scream from one of the sales rep's offices at the far end of our suite.

Another plane--a jet--had hit the second tower. Immediately, all business ceased in the office. We gathered around the radio of a senior sales rep and listened to the news broadcast. Two or three of my coworkers kept whispering the same word, over and over again: terrorism. It must be.

I glanced over at my friend Christina, who was pale and visibly shaken, moreso than the rest of us. I approached her and asked her if she was okay.

Her eyes were glassy as she answered, "My mother might be in one of the towers this morning."

"What? Does she work there?" I asked, grabbing her hand.

Christina nodded. "Kind of. My mother lives in New York. She has her own dry cleaning delivery service and she has a lot of clients at the World Trade Center. I know that she's supposed to be there this morning--she stops there every morning to pick up and drop off people's clothes."

"Have you been able to get a hold of her?"

"No," she whispered. "All the lines are busy. I just can't get through to her cell phone." Her lower lip trembled and a single tear wound its way down her cheek.

Closing my eyes, I tried desperately to envision Christina's mother, a woman I'd never met before, alive and well and safe. When I opened my eyes, Christina was back at her desk, crumpled over like a forlorn ragdoll.

I returned to my desk and decided to call Phil. Of course, the entire telephone system was down in New York. I thought about my best friend, who was scheduled to fly home from a business trip in Orlando that morning.

I spent the next thirty minutes watching live webcasts on MSNBC and CNN and talking to Brian on the phone. We'd just gotten engaged ten days ago. The entire situation seemed unreal. Then the latest breaking news appeared on my monitor: the Pentagon was on fire. The White House was being evacuated. The Washington Mall was on fire. The stock exchange was closed. Airports around the country were shutting down. This must be the end of the world, I thought.

My phone rang again. It was my friend who was in Orlando for a business trip. She told me that she and her coworkers were going to rent a car and drive home to Philadelphia, since the airports were shut down.

I trotted back to the sales rep's office to listen to KYW. By this point, speculation was flying around the room. Were we at war now? With whom? Was this another act of domestic terrorism, like the Oklahoma City bombing?

Shortly after that, we watched in horror as the first tower, and then the second tower, collapsed. The vice president of our office announced that we were free to go home for the remainder of the day and be with our families.

I looked over at Christina and my heart ached for her. She had no family to go home to--her father had died within the last year, and she still had not heard from her mother. I walked over to her desk and asked her what she planned to do. She replied that she was not going to leave the office until she got a hold of her mother.

"I'll stay with you," I volunteered. I couldn't leave her alone in an empty office, waiting to hear about her mother's fate. Everyone else left as Christina and I sat together at her desk, watching the chaos unfold on CNN's website. Another plane was reported down in a field in Pennsylvania. Other than Christina's occasional shaky breaths, we passed an hour in silence.

Shortly before noon, Christina's telephone rang. Her eyes widened, but she made no move to answer it. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed the receiver and picked it up, not even daring to say hello.

I was greeted by a torrent of frantic, jumbled English and Greek. It was Christina's mother. She had been delivering dry cleaning to a client in the second tower when the first plane hit. She told me that everyone thought it was either a bomb or an earthquake. The floor that she was on began evacuating almost immediately, and it was a damn good thing. Ten minutes later, the second plane hit her building, and she would have been trapped on the floors above the plane had she not started down the stairs just then.

She passed many people in the stairwell who could not continue. She tried to encourage people to keep going, but they simply refused and sat down. They were too tired or too out of shape to do it. Sprinklers were spraying water all over the place, drenching everyone. Then the building lost power.

In all, she climbed down sixty-some flights of stairs, and spent over an hour getting out of the building and onto the street. Once outside, she watched as people began jumping out of windows from the ninetieth floor (or higher!) of the towers. She decided to head home on foot, and was standing mid-span on the Brooklyn Bridge when the first tower collapsed.

I handed the telephone to Christina, who spoke to her mother for a few minutes before being disconnected. I stayed with Christina for another half-hour, just to make sure she was okay to drive herself back to her apartment. Then I went home.

For the rest of my life, I know that I will no longer be able to look at a perfect late summer/early autumn sky without thinking about all the death and the horror that took place that day.

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Posted by Lori at 9/11/2006 11:10:00 AM |
Thursday, September 07, 2006



"The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."

- Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)

Here's to four years of (blissful) disability!

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Posted by Lori at 9/07/2006 10:40:00 AM |
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Gentle readers, please do me a personal favor. Don't withdraw money from your employer-sponsored retirement plan account unless you have a really, really good reason to do so.

Medical bills (and I don't mean bills for elective plastic surgery)? OK.
Impending eviction or foreclosure on your home? Fine.
Post-secondary education costs? Sounds good to me.

BUT...

Remodeling your kitchen?
Going on a vacation and need some extra pocket change for that roulette wheel in Monte Carlo?
Buying Christmas gifts?

Please.

And if you're 22 years old, do me another favor. Don't stick all your savings into a money market fund that earns 2.5% per year.

Why not? Because the rate of inflation is around 3% per year. Do the math. If you're only earning 2.5% a year in a money market fund, and inflation is 3% a year...I got news for you: you'll NEVER be able to retire.

Instead, invest your money in a good index fund and don't even think about it for the next 35 years.

/end public service announcement

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Posted by Lori at 9/05/2006 04:19:00 PM |
Monday, September 04, 2006
Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin Killed by Stingray.

I am surprised by how upset I am to hear this.

I used to watch his show all the time, back in the day. Was convinced that he'd eventually be killed by a venomous snake.

I haven't seen the show in years. But I actually gasped and kinda clutched my chest when I saw this headline.

Man. That just sucks.

ETA: I really had no clue that one could be killed by a stingray. Wow. I've swum with wild stingrays several times (in Aruba and St. Augustine, FL). Danger, danger, indeed.

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Posted by Lori at 9/04/2006 02:48:00 AM |
Friday, September 01, 2006
1-888-5-OPTOUT

If you're sick of getting unsolicited credit card and/or insurance offers in the mail, call this number and add your name to the opt-out list. Your opt-out is good for the next five years. The call takes about four minutes and is completely automated and confidential. I did it myself just now and am looking forward to my mail volume being reduced by about half in the near future!

In case you're wondering, I read about it in Newsweek.

Enjoy the holiday weekend!

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Posted by Lori at 9/01/2006 09:41:00 AM |

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